Hello friends, It has finally happened: I have made the bold decision to start a substack. SO before we go any further I need to address you, the reader, as well as the little voice in my head with a disclaimer: I am not an expert. I don’t think my opinions on food or fashion are in any way revolutionary, unique or necessarily insightful. The little self doubting voice needs me to tell you that because it doesn’t want you to think that I think I’m interesting or have good opinions people care about. To be clear I do think I’m interesting and have good opinions, and I hope some people might care but I don’t have the hubris to assume everyone does, and that is ok!
Wow what a way to start a newsletter, I take it back this is revolutionary, and I am braver than the troops… Ok. Now that we have gotten that out of the way let me touch on what food and fashion means to *me*.
Despite the fact that I used to look like a little boy and wear the same lime green fleece to school every day in 6th grade… to the point that an older kid finally asked me if I “even owned other clothing”, I would say that I have been using fashion as a mode of self expression since I was consciously able to have an opinion on the matter. The green fleece was a carry over from my elementary school tomboy days, as was my boys hair cut, but as middle school progressed I slowly transitioned into slightly more feminine looks inspired by Daria and the babysitter from the Mary Kate & Ashley joint Two of a Kind, the latter of whom lead me to attempt a similar haircut to what she had: short, chunky, cute, with lots of butterfly clips and jeweled bobby pins. What I ended up with more closely resembled Kate from John and Kate plus 8: short, spiky with longer bangs side parted and pinned.
It was NOT CUTE and I am quite positive that anyone who told me it was (the barista at Starbucks) was doing it in that way where when you see something gaudy or grotesque you feel compelled to address it, and by default it comes out as a compliment. After that came my goth phase, followed by a punk phase, a slutty punk phase* (in clothes only, no shade to slutty punks), an indie phase, a hip hop phase (RIP my treasured Dunks), a vintage phase, and on and on.
Nowadays I would have a hard time describing my style. It is eclectic but (hopefully) always chic. I wear lots of black and combat boots almost every day but I also love playing with color, textures and proportions. I love bias cut dresses from the 40’s that flatter my figure without showing too much skin but I also love wearing a completely sheer dress with nothing but a bra and underwear. I feel equally comfortable wearing jeans and a t-shirt or high waist tailored slacks and a blouse. I have an insane collection of vintage t-shirts and have informed my husband that if I die he should “liquidate the t-shirts” (George Bluth voice: “There’s always money in the T-shirts”). I get my clothes tailored if they don’t fit perfectly even if it costs more than the item itself. I plan full outfits for each day of a trip so that I know I’ll still look good without my full wardrobe at my disposal. I am never concerned about being over dressed. I love when people compliment my look and I love to admire and compliment others for the same thing (I once got caught gawking at a woman who was confidently walking down the street in a dynamite ensemble. She was on the phone but as she passed me she turned and said “you look good too!” and kept walking. Mortifying but also flattering. Also lol @ me using the phrase “dynamite ensemble” it sounds like something a charming old perv might say to one of his granddaughters friends). All of which is to say: I love fashion, I love clothes, I love styling my friends. It all brings me joy.
Now on to food, a horse of a different color altogether. With both of these topics we can speak of privilege and access, culture, memory, creativity, history etc. I am not going to go on a long diatribe about my history with food. I will say that I was raised with the “Clean Plate Club Doctrine” which states that you will finish every morsel of food on your plate so as not to be wasteful. In theory I agree with not being wasteful but in practice I have realized that I do not have to force myself to eat past the point of being stuffed so as not to waste a little bit of food. Plus leftovers are always an option (I frequently get obnoxiously small portions wrapped up to take home and I am not sorry). There is a whole lot I could say on the topic of food but for now I will focus on why I want to write about it.
One reason is that during the pandemic my relationship to food changed drastically. Specifically in the preparation of it. I can’t remember ever making recipes prior to that time, though I know I did occasionally. For the most part my memories of eating things other than takeout at home as an adult are blank but somehow once I found myself wanting to eat nice food and also having to be the one to prepare it, it was like a switch got flicked on and I rose to the fucking occasion. My husband started joking that somehow I had absorbed his ability to cook (???) which is a theory that I reject but all of a sudden I was able to read and execute recipes in a way I never had even attempted to before. Perhaps I had some long buried muscle memory, certainly I had more time on my hands, and honestly I think watching every season of top chef multiple times helped (prepping mise en place before cooking was a game changer) Another aspect of why I took to cooking is because I took (take) great pleasure in having control. While everything else was swirling with chaos and uncertainty around me, I could focus and precisely chop and measure and accomplish specific cooking techniques and that was calming to me.
I am by no means a creative cook, I usually stick to the recipe to a T but I can still take great pride in following and executing a dish to perfection (or to “pretty good”), not to mention the satisfaction I feel sharing my cooking with others who appreciate it. I am lucky to have multiple outlets for my creativity: Comedy, Fashion, Art, but when it comes to cooking it’s all about the order, technique and culinary exploration (sorry if that sounds pretentious!)
The other reason I wanted to write about food is because I am a fan of food writing, specifically two outlets. One is the newsletter my friends do for patron’s of their fantastic podcast FOH, in which they talk about their lives and the food they’ve been cooking. Every time I read it I wish I could participate in that discussion and share what I have been cooking. The other is the grub street food diary which for those who don’t know, is a feature in New York Magazine where “notable” people write a food diary for a week and I am obsessed with it. I hope to one day be “notable” enough to be asked to write one myself but I don’t anticipate that happening any time soon. (I was once featured in my friend Shane’s grubstreet food diary in which he describes me drinking on the train, and my sparkly arm even made it into the cover photo, NBD)
Well there you have it. To summarize: I like fashion! I like food! I am going to stop writing here because this post feels insanely long and I’m not totally sure how to end it so abruptly will have to do. Hopefully I have conveyed why I feel compelled to write such a newsletter if not why you should read it. All I can say is I’m havin a laugh over here! (said in the style of “I’m walkin here!”) More to come soon (prayer hands emoji) <3
xo E. Panic